


The Brief Adventure Of Mace Rimmer

by HungLikeARainbro



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: And Lister a lil bit, Fic from when I was a baby, Gen, Mostly Cat being horny for Mace, Multi, Slightly slashy maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-20
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 10:47:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14377056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HungLikeARainbro/pseuds/HungLikeARainbro
Summary: A big wibbly wobbly thing heads towards the Small Rouge One. Has the loved-by-all-but-Arnold Ace Rimmer returned?





	1. Being Lost and Being a Loser

**Author's Note:**

> _Original Notes from 2004:_  
>  My first Red Dwarf fic. The idea's been done but dammit I wanted a go too. This is based upon the books (The Last Human and Better Than Life) with a few alterations.  
> 1\. The Ace Rimmer incident still happened.  
> 2\. The Alternate Dimension episode (with Deb Lister and Arleen Rimmer) happened.  
> 3\. Holly stayed male like the books though.
> 
>  
> 
> **Current Notes:  
> **  
>  Wait did Lister not have babies in the books? Or meet Ace? It's so long since I read them. It's not that I don't trust you Baby-Me... I've no idea what's real anymore. Send help.

Holly was lost. In fact, Holly was so lost he began to wonder if he was sure he was lost in the first place. Perhaps he was on the right path after all and he was delusional. That he only thought he passed that star system a week ago. And even if he was lost, he couldn't be that lost. Someone would've noticed if he was very lost. Maybe they suspected. Holly was sure Rimmer was eyeing the pixellated bead of sweat running down his balding head and down past his nose. Or perhaps Rimmer was simply flaring his nostrils in disgust because Lister was winning at chess against Holly. Lister versus a computer with an I.Q., supposedly, of 6,000. Even if Holly _was_ computer senile, Rimmer wasn't about to believe that Lister's 'nipple- shaped piece' had just managed to take 'the cross guy'. Rimmer bit into his hand in anguish as Lister danced and jigged around the table. Holly congratulated him, "Well done, Dave," and then disappeared to puzzle over how they were lost in the first place. He never should have flipped a computerised coin five months back when they had to go around a meteor shower area and Lister had asked which way they were turning. He should have gone with his instincts, and gone under it.

Rimmer let Lister dance a short while longer before holding his hands behind his back and asking politely, "So, why wont you ever play against me?"

"No offence man, but you're a bad loser. You're like the child that drops his bean bag on school sports day and then throws it at the P.E. teacher's groin."

"I only did that once! I told him I had a bad knee but he insisted I race. Smeghead."

"See? You blame everyone else when you lose a game. If we played chess and I won you'd probably claim I had a little voodoo doll set of you and the chess pieces and I was sticking little pins into you." Rimmer shook his head in disbelief. "I honestly wouldn't accuse you of that. For a start, I don't think you could even _spell_ voodoo let alone perform it." Lister let the insult go and set up the chess pieces. Rimmer panicked. If he played Lister and lost he could never live it down.

Lister waved the white king at Rimmer. "You promise you won't wig out when I win?"

"IF you win. Which you won't. I promise I'll be as gracious as Holly is and give you a 'Well dun Dayve' like he always says." Lister agreed on these terms and added that next time, they would play _his_ favourite game. "But your games have no planning ahead, no quick thinking, no deep thinking, no any thinking! The games you play involve no skill at all."

"What's wrong with 'Ker-plunk?'" demanded Lister. Rimmer sat on the chair and turned the board so he would be the black pieces. Going first was always the worst strategy.

"Alright dudes?" Holly's head popped onto the screen.

"Not now Holly, we're in the middle of the most important game in the history of the Red Dwarf."

"No, that was when Peterson played 'Operation' against Toddhunter after 6 tequila shots. That was brutal. I swear when he's drunk he's got the grace of Audrey Hepburn. 2 or 3 more tequilas though and he'd have been about as graceful as a rugby player wearing heels on a tightrope."

"There's a big wibbly wobbly thing heading towards us," Holly interrupted. "Looks like some kind of rip in the fabric of time and/or space. It's locked in on us." Rimmer tapped his chin. The situation seemed very familiar. He couldn't quite place it. Holly looked around his files for any information on wibbly wobbly big things. Only one record. "Could be Ace."

Rimmer leapt out of the chair and yelled, "NO! NO NO NO SMEGGING NO!"

"Not looking forward to seeing him again?" Holly guessed.

Rimmer curled up on his bunk in the foetal position. "No absolutely not. Never again. Not a second with that goit, in that smarmy git's company."

"This'll be great!" Lister ran to the drive room to see if he could get a view of Ace's ship on screen.

A ship did indeed come out from the big wibbly wobbly thing. It aimed straight for Red Dwarf and looked like it was about to crash right into its side. Just before impact, it turned upwards and long spindly legs clamped onto the Dwarf's side and the ship scuttled up towards the cargo bay doors. Lister, Kryten and the Cat eagerly waited in the hold. The airlock opened signalling that the ship was safely inside. "It certaintly looks like Captain Rimmer's ship, sir. Right down to the graffiti tag on the left side saying "Alecks was shagged here." Kryten scanned the ship. "It's safe to open. No dangerous bacteria and one human life form - that should be Captain Rimmer. I just can't wait any longer, sir!"

"All right man, give permission for him to come out." The message was sent to the small ship's computer and the top opened. Rimmer peered around the door curiously in the hopes that Ace was lying dead in his ship. Rimmer should have known by now, he just wasn't that lucky.


	2. Pinball Wizard

The top slid open with a whirr and a beautiful woman with golden hair draped down her back, tied into a lazy but sufficient pony tail leapt down. She took off her sunglasses and tossed her head so that her layered hair swung out of her eyes and she surveyed them all curiously. "The name's Captain Arleen Rimmer. Friends call me Mace." She patted the badge pinned on her chest depicting the Space Corp. logo. Rimmer wanted to stab himself in the neck with a sharp utensil, but there were none available.

"Mace?" Lister managed to murmur, "B-but... how?"

"Don't quite understand the science behind it but it has to do with the theory that all realities-"

"Yes, yes, we all know that bit!" snapped Rimmer, making himself known to the gathering. "But you're a girl!"

Mace put her hands on her hips and gave him a dazzling smile that would've given a normal man a spontaneous orgasm. "Thanks for noticing. I did a double jump. Easy really, just had to re-route the turbo thrust engines and connect them to the dimension jump drive, learn cold fusion in the 20 seconds before the jump became active and set the computer for 6th dimensional space."

"Which means?"

"I'm from an alternate reality from your parallel self you met a while ago. I'm sure Skipper remembers the incident very well."

Lister's hands shot to his stomach and he found himself blushing. "So you're the Ace Rimmer of their world?"

"Got it in one, Skipper. When I heard of you guys I couldn't resist altering the ship so it could cross dimensions as well as reality."

"I'm sure that was all part of basic training..." Rimmer growled under his breath.

Mace slapped him on the back. "I figured you'd be a grumpy goit here as well. You should've seen the fuss Arlene made when I arrived."

Lister stared at Mace. For some strange reason, she was making him crazy. Was it all the years alone in space? Was it the lack of female companionship? Maybe it was because his right hand was losing its looks and charm. He tried to ignore the tightening in his boxers. He almost succeeded until Mace did the worst thing possible. She smiled at him. A pinball smile. Her whole face became poetically beautiful and illuminated with one twitch of a muscle. Lister fell in love with a smile yet again. _Why I am such a sucker for smiles?_ he whined inwardly. He had to look away from her.

Unfortunately he looked in Rimmer's direction and he saw the look in Lister's eye. "Don't you DARE," he hissed.

"I'm just hot in this jacket," he lied. Rimmer didn't believe him one bit and continued his glaring at Mace.

Mace was undeterred and was about to tell them all about her adventures with Arleen and Deb when she paused to frown at the Cat who was holding onto her leg and sighing contentedly. "I love you. Your hair smells of dewberry, kiwi and... Is that apricot? I love apricot."

"Sorry old chum, but I'm strictly here on business" She patted Rimmer's shoulder.

Rimmer pushed her arm off of his shoulder and put a few steps distance between them. "What kind of business?"

She winked at him. "Never you mind. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go fetch some stuff from my ship." After whipping her shades back on she strode back to her ship. Lister cocked his head and watched her arse as she walked in her tight silver space suit.

"LISTER!"

"I'm sorry man, I'm sorry!"


	3. What a Gal!

Mace spent most of the day repairing her ship's drive. After doing a double- jump, it was as the French say - Le Deade. Rimmer spent most of the day avoiding her. Which suited both of them. Mace was not as amused with him as before. He was the sort of man she expected to see prostituting himself, unsuccessfully, at space docks. The Cat went to his walk-in wardrobe (which was actually one of the corridors on Level 3) and ironed all his suits, socks, underwear, in fact anything made of material that he could wear to impress Mace. He eventually decided that he was so good-looking he could get away with wearing nothing at all. Luckily Kryten dragged him away from the workshop before Cat could call out, "ATTENTION ALL LADY RIMMERS!" so that Mace would notice his birthday suit.

Lister meanwhile, had taken a more solitary approach. He moped around his room and the engine room, the medical unit and the Captain's office. Everywhere mopeable. When he returned to his room he picked up his guitar and began to scribble song notes on his arm. "Macey... you make me crazy... you're finer than lacey... how long must I chasey you-ou-ou..."

"Lister?" Rimmer walked in on his strumming. Lister dropped the guitar and hid his arm behind his back. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Obviously it's not nothing. Obviously you were doing something obviously wrong, obviously." He walked around to the other side of Lister. "What's on your arm?"

Lister jumped down and picked up his guitar. "I was just writing songs as usual. For Krissie." Rimmer raised an eyebrow but said no more. Lister jumped back up onto his bunk and began strumming again. "Hmm-mmm-mmm-mm crazy..."

"AAAAOOOOOWWWW! ATTENTION LADY RIMMER! I AM LOOKING GOOD!" the Cat screeched as he twirled past the door. He twirled back. "Is she here?"

"You're a complete and utter pervert, Cat. She's me! A female me! An attractive, successful, sexy me, but still me!"

The Cat shrugged. "There's just something about her..." he sighed. "What a gal!" With that, he twirled back out again.

Rimmer shook his head, "I ask you, what kind of idiotic, smeggy, goity, smeg-goit would fall for Mace Rimmer." Lister's strumming halted. Rimmer groaned with the crushing realisation, "You total, utter, big... utter gimp."

"You don't understand man! She's Mace Rimmer. All-round beautiful and magnificent heroine. She's not normally my type but there's just this power she has. When women meet Ace... everyone loves Ace! And everyone loves Mace, except she's a woman and..."

"Lister, she's a smug, self-centred gitette. I bet you anything on the weekends she wears dungarees and Birkenstocks and calls herself Bubba Joe Higgins."

"She's not a lesbian, Rimmer."

"Who does she think she is? Waltzing in here, oozing sex appeal. Ace I could handle, but her? No way. If you... or the Cat... Gah, I dont even want to think about it!"

Mace peeked her head around the doorway. "Sorry to spoil the boytalk fellows but Holly wants to see you, Skipper."

"You're in luck Listy," Rimmer sneered. "I hear Holly is ordained. You can be Mrs 'Mace' Arleen Judith Rimmer by 3pm." Lister pushed past Mace desperately trying not to look at her.

"Arnie," she said. "We need to have a talk."


	4. A Dream Comes True

Mace pulled out one of the metal chairs and sat on it backwards with her head resting on her arms, folded on the back of the chair. Rimmer sat on the other chair. Properly. Arms folded and legs crossed. He couldn't have looked more defensive if he'd been waving a sword about and hiding behind a dragon-motif medieval shield. "Fancy a drink?" Mace offered.

"If it's a Wormdo I'll decline, thank you."

She shrugged. "What if," she said with a mischievous smile, "I told you I could give you the ability to drink a real drink."

"I'd say shut up you smegging liar." Pause. "You... you mean you can?" Rimmer sat up and decided that if she was telling the truth, he'd gladly drop to the ground and wash her feet with his hair.

Mace pulled out a small metal ball. "Indeed I can Arnie." He gazed at the small object for a second before clearing his throat signalling that she should explain what it was. She rolled her eyes. "It's a hard light drive. A technology developed that can give holograms a solid form. You'll feel real to others and everything will feel real to you."

"I always liked you, you know that? The others wanted to get rid of you but I insisted you should stay."

"Relax Arn, you dont need to kiss up to me. I'm going to let you have it." Rimmer nodded eagerly. "But..."

"Aha! I knew there was a 'but'." Rimmer folded his arms again. "Go on then, what's the 'but'?"

"Well, it's very boring in space. Rescuing people, saving civilisations, bringing world peace to all the planets of the universe is exciting while it lasts. But the days and weeks travelling between are unbearable. Even playing Tetris has lost its appeal."

Rimmer snorted. The great Mace Rimmer wasn't bored of her work. She was scared of it. Obviously she planned to hide here like a wimp. Like a _real_ Rimmer.

"I want you to join me when I leave. So we can save the Universe together. We'd be unstoppable!" Mace concluded balling her left hand into a fist and smacking it into her other hand. Rimmer was silent. Then he began to laugh in a highly maniacal fashion. He laughed so hard he began to choke on his own saliva. Mace frowned as he slapped himself on the back, tears still streaming down his face.

"Ok ok ok," he spluttered. "Say it again but this time make it sound sensible."

"I'm serious Arn."

"Don't be daft. Me? The Robin to your Batman?" He tried not to picture the tights.

Mace shook her head; " We'd be equals, once you got some experience. Ace and Mace Rimmer. Twins of Salvation."

 _Yep_ , Rimmer thought, _she's bonkers. Madder than a Mad March Hare that has had an illicit affair with the Mad Hatter and everyone else in Wonderland._ But... this would mean leaving the Dwarf. Being free. Being able to touch. And no more constant humming from Lister, or twirling from the Cat, or apologies from Kryten. He'd be away from them. He could start re-organising his 20th Century lamppost notes. In proper folders with coloured dividers. His eyes sparkled with thoughts of all the things he'd be able to do again. He could write in his diary. Lister had filled in a few pages for him with notes like "I acted like a smeghead today as usual" and "I love Lister's guitar playing. He's better than anyone. I wish I was more like him" knowing it would annoy the hell out of Rimmer.

Mace watched his face go through all the emotions of these thoughts patiently.

"Do I have to decide now?" he asked finally.

Mace twirled the hard light drive ball on the table beside her chair. "Not really, you have until I leave."

"Why me anyway? Why not Lister? He and Ace were the best of friends. Surely you'd get on better with him," he said wryly, remembering the two of them and their homoerotic banter of praise and admiration. Actually, remembering Lister's infatuation, it'd be a very bad idea.

Mace shrugged. "It'll be good for you. I think you've got potential Arnie. You'll go from a coward to an Ace in no time."

"Do I have to be called Ace? It's such a stupid name."

She chuckled and swung her leg over the chair to stand before him. "Before you decide," she said and plunged her hand into his projection.

Rimmer fizzled and distorted. "Hey!" he managed to yelp in a static-ised voice. His hologram- body disappeared and all that was left was his light bee in Mace's hand. She flicked open the hard light ball and snapped it over the light bee and activated it. Mace threw it into the air and Rimmer appeared again. "You smeg!" he snapped. "I hate that."

Mace grinned. "Just thought you might want to try out the hard light drive."

Rimmer blinked. "It's... done?" He stamped his foot on the floor. It bounced back. Bounced off of the floor. He looked around for something else to verify this regained ability. What could he pick up? What could he move? Then he knew. He grinned mischievously and marched past Mace to the drive room. As he suspected, Lister was napping in one of the chairs. He had the uncanny knack of being able to sleep anywhere at anytime. He was more cat than the Cat was. Rimmer's grin widened as he lifted his foot, and with a deep breath, he kicked Lister off of the chair. "That's for all the humming and guitar playing and everything else annoying you've done since we met, hahaha!"

Lister landed with a thud and he sprang up in shock. "Rimmer? What do you want?" Rimmer stood grinning ever more inanely as he waited for Lister to cotton on. Lister rubbed his head, which had smacked against the console as he fell. His ribs felt a bit sore too and he rubbed his side. Then yawned. Rimmer waited. Lister scratched the back of his neck and took a swig from the beer can he had left next to him. He spat the beer onto the floor when he realised he'd used it as an ashtray before falling asleep. Rimmer waited some more.

Lister yawned again. 

"OH FOR SMEGS SAKE!" Rimmer yelled.

Lister stared at him. "What?" he said as he continued massaging his ribs. Lister's eyes suddenly bulged from his head in surprise and he jumped back. "Hang on, you KICKED me!"

"Exactly, Listy!"

"What did I do to deserve that?" 

Rimmer couldn't quite believe how long this was taking to sink in. "Lister, I kicked you. Physically harmed you."

"I know, that was really mean," Lister pouted. 

Rimmer was about to strangle him when Mace walked in. "Enjoying your first act of violence then Arnie?" 

Lister opened another can of beer and drank some. 

"I would be if Lister here wasn't such a smeg-for-brains."

Lister chuckled, "Rimmer I was listening to your conversation a few minutes ago. I knew you were getting the drive."

"You always spoil my fun!" Rimmer growled.

Mace put her arms around them. "Relax fellows, and let's celebrate my new partner in silver."

"Y'what?" Lister exclaimed. He hadn't stuck around to hear the rest of the previous conversation and just assumed that Mace had given the hard light to Rimmer as a peace offering."

Mace ruffled Rimmer's hair. "Rimsy here is going to help me in my crusade."

"Really?" Lister exclaimed again.

"Well he hasn't decid-"

"Yes I am." Rimmer finished for her. Mace looked surprised but pleased.

Lister finished his beer. "Good for you man. But I thought you couldn't stand Mace?"

"Well, I can't stand you either. But in this situation I get a physical presence out of it."

"Your presence is annoying enough without an extra dimension." 

Rimmer ignored the comment. Mace clapped her hands together. "So, celebrations?"


	5. Cat's Lust and Lister's Trust

Kryten and the Cat were just as surprised as Lister to hear Rimmer was going. But very glad. "Gonna get rid of goalpost head, gonna get rid of goalpost head, gonna get rid of goalpost head, coz we don't like goalpost heads," the Cat sang. Rimmer didn't care. He enrolled Kryten to help him pack. He sifted through his belongings, touching them all again for the first time in over 3 million years. Even his most prized possessions, which he long ago wouldn't have even breathed on; he now traced them all with his fingers, marvelling at the textures. As he sorted them into the three categories of 'take', 'leave' and 'not sure' it began to sink in that he was going. Not only going, but going on a dangerous and most likely futile mission with himself as company. Ok, so the last time he'd been left alone with himself, they'd argued and the dreadful Gazpacho soup incident was cruelly brought up, but Mace didn't know these things. It'd be like being with someone else. Someone who looked like Arleen and acted like Ace. Ugh, he couldn't stand either of them, or her at first. But Mace somehow, didn't annoy him as much now. Had her gift really changed his mind? Was he so easily won over? Rimmer wondered if this made him materialistic. A physical presence wasn't a material thing though. This was life for him. He was Lazarus and she was... well he couldn't remember the whole story. Was it Jesus or Mary Magdalene who brought Lazarus back? Was the story even biblical, he thought.

"Mr Rimmer, did you want inflatable Ingrid?"

Rimmer sat up. "Oh er... no, I'll be rescuing loads of girls who'll be thanking me for my good deeds, if you know what I mean, so I wont need her, erm it. Won't need it." He coughed nervously. A Mace-shaped blur dove past the doorway and the Cat shot past shortly afterwards.

"Should I go help Miss Rimmer?"

Rimmer nodded, not really hearing. Kryten decided to stay. Mace could take care of one guy, surely?

**~~~**

Mace looked around the cargo bay. The Cat didn't appear to be there anymore. She breathed a sigh of relief and cursed her good looks. Just as she picked up a wrench so she could continue fixing her ship, she heard a loud yowling above. "No-" she managed to squeak before the Cat pounced on her.

"Hi!" he smiled and purred slightly.

"Off. Now. Or this wrench and your genetalia will become fast friends."

The Cat obliged and said before sauntering off, "Won't be long baby! I'll be waiting for you!" The Cat bumped into Lister on his way out. "I don't get it," he said. "I'm incredibly good-looking and available. Why isn't she howling a mating call, rubbing her head against stuff on high ledges, with her ass in the air like any normal girl would?"

Lister rolled his eyes and corrected him, "Any normal CATgirl."

"Ooooooooh, I see. It's a monkey thing."

"Kind of." Lister poked his head round the door. "She alone?"

"You think YOU have a chance? Don't make me laugh - this suit is real tight and I don't want to split it."

Lister wasn't paying attention and went over to the ship. Mace was lying underneath it, working away. "Hi," said Lister, finally.

"Evening Skipper!" Mace answered from beneath.

Lister smiled, even though she couldn't see it. "So, why are you doing this? Taking Rimmer to be the next Ace... you really think he can?"

"I did." Mace rolled out from under the ship and wiped some of the oil from her face.

"You... did?"

"You don't remember me do you?" she smiled. "Here's a hint - I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart."

"SMEG!" Lister gasped and fell against the opened door, which swung shut with his force against it. He fell backwards onto the floor. "Smeg..." he whispered trying to work it all out.

"When Mace Rimmer visited she had to go out on a mission to a planet nearby. We all went. There was an accident..." she paused.

Lister knew what was coming. "Bexley..." he said, remembering the future echoes. "So that's what Rimmer saw."

"Yes. And Mace died too. But her ship had notes on all kinds of technologies and cultures she'd come across and of other planets that needed help. Lister, I mean Deb, persuaded me to go and continue on as a new Mace. Took her a while I can tell you, I wasn't keen at all. But here I am. 9 planets and a dimension later."

Lister was still trying to absorb the fact that his youngest boy was now dead. He hadn't seen him for so long, but to hear he was actually dead, was crushing. "You're here to give Rimmer the same chance you had?"

"Well, that and I am honestly bored. It's terribly lonely up there." Her voice wasn't as sugary sweet as it was when she first arrived. She sounded more like Arlene again. Slightly obnoxious with a broad Ionian accent. The same accent Rimmer cursed himself for having. Another reason he thought he hadn't made it to the top. She cleared her throat and gathered up her tools. "Don't tell Rimmer about this, Dave."

Lister was surprised by her use of his first name. "Sure."


	6. Battleships

Rimmer was still sorting through his memory-embedded items when the explosion occurred. He was thrown onto his collection of special edition Risk games and a few of the pieces found their way into several layers of his skin and flesh. He wasn't sure whether to be glad to feel pain or to cry from it. Mace dashed in. "Arnie, we need help up in the drive room."

Rimmer groaned. This was going to be one of those hero-moments rife with peril and agony. He looked out of one of the windows. "It's a ship! Aliens!" he gasped, shocked that one of his theories was right.

Mace looked out too. "Oh no... It's a Gelf ship."

"Gelfs?"

"I ran into them a while ago when I ran out of fuel. Let's just say I had to make a trade with their Queen for some fuel."

Rimmer raised his eyebrow.

"The Prince took a shine to me."

Rimmer's face screwed up in distaste, "Ok, don't finish the story. I'm figuring it out for myself."

"Nothing happened! Just the wedding. I ran off with the fuel before the honeymoon." Mace gave him an apologetic smile.

Rimmer sighed. "What do we do now, Princess Mace?"

"We need to fight of course. I'll take my ship, you take Starbug." She began to march out of the room when Rimmer dragged her back. 

"I can't fight the urge to sneeze let alone an army of aliens!"

"Ok we'll both go in my ship. Should be enough room. You can navigate."

"But-!"

"RIMMER. NOW." she snapped. Rimmer scuttled out of the room towards the cargo bay. He was beginning to prefer Ace. At least he didn't shout at him. Mace smiled to herself. She knew the Gelfs were stupid and easily beaten with a good offence and smart flying tactics. But it'd be a good ego boost for Rimmer. She decided not to tell Lister where they were going. "He may try to stop us," she muttered to herself as she collected a few missiles for the spaceship's guns. "What he doesn't know won't hurt us."

**~~~**

As soon as Lister saw the small spaceship flying towards the Gelf mothership he began to panic. Rimmer was useless, Rimmer was a coward, Rimmer was going to get them all killed. He was sure of it. "Smeg..."

"Don't worry Mr Lister, sir. Miss Mace knows what she's doing."

"Rimmer's on the ship with her."

Kryten's face malfunctioned as it tried to find the perfect formation for terror. The Cat pressed his nose against the window. "If that guy gets Mace killed before I get to have sex with her, I'll kill him.

"They'll both be dead, Cat." Lister turned his attentions to the radar instead.

Holly popped up in the corner of the screen. "Not looking good. They're dodging the attacks so far but their navigation seems off. You'd think a high class ship like that would have an onboard computer to do it for them."

"It does."

"Oh. Well looks like Mace has gone space-crazy and switched it off." And Lister bet he knew why.

**~~~**

"We're going to die, we're GOING TO DIE!" Rimmer bellowed into Mace's ear.

She knocked the visor of her helmet up. "Just calm down Arnie and help us avoid those beams. If we get hit we're in trouble with a capital smeg." She flicked a few switches and brought the nose of the ship down as they headed in. "We'll have to go under and attack the belly of the mothership. That's its weakest point. But it's also where the guns are." 

Rimmer glanced at the radar. "What does a big red blob mean?"

"Where is it?"

"On the radar," Rimmer scoffed.

Mace bit her clenched hand in irritation. "WHERE on the radar?"

"Erm, over the tiny red blobs and to the right of a greenish blob."

"Brilliant Arn! That means their shields are down in that area. What's the grid location?"

"Erm..."

"Oh for Caesar's sake, it's like in Battleships. Read the top numbers, then the side letters"

Suddenly the radar screen made sense to Rimmer. Battleships. War games. He could handle that. "799 by AAB" he said, a little confused by Mace's similar appreciation for Caesar. Mace inhaled sharply and fired.

Back on Red Dwarf, Lister clutched Kryten's arm as they watched the missile hurtle though the blackness of space, silent and set on its course. The Gelfs began to panic. One muttered to the Queen that he knew he should've fixed that broken shield instead of going for his tea break. As the missile exploded and the ship was thrown off course and captured by a planet's orbit and headed into its surface, that same Gelf was slowly being strangled by the Queen. Lister watched as the mothership became a mere dot floating against the blue planet's surface as it went further from them and closer to it. And he smiled.

In Mace's ship, Rimmer was yelling "We sunk the aircraft carrier!" and hugging her so hard she was forced to elbow him in the gut so she could holobreathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically Caesar is a title, but most people think it's Julia/Julius's surname, so I have no doubt the Rimmers would make that mistake.


	7. Stay With Me

"Rimmer!" Lister cheered as he and Mace climbed out of the ship. "You guys were amazing!"

"Well done, sir and Miss Rimmer!"

"Gotta admit that was cool, goalpost head. And future Mrs Cat," the Cat added with a waggle of his eyebrows. Mace shrugged, used to it all. Rimmer blushed slightly and couldn't help grinning smugly.

"Maybe now we can start the celebrations?" Mace hinted.

Lister nodded, "Alright Mace if you want to so badly, we'll have a party." The Cat immediately ran off to find clothes for the event, and Kryten went to prepare some food and drink. Mace went with him, giving him recipe ideas and regaling him with a tale about how she discovered that moon slugs were far tastier than they looked.

"What a gal," Rimmer sighed sadly.

Lister looked at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"You've no idea how little I really did up there. She did it all."

"But you were _there_. You were actually in the face of fire. Not curled up under your blanket singing boy scout camp songs like 'Kumbaya'." A smile tugged at Rimmer's lip, but soon gave up. Lister tried again, "You wont be Ace right away. It'll take a while."

"It took him 20 years. What hope do I have? I'll be in the belly of a giant alien and being feasted upon by her unborn young before Mace can say, "look behind you oops too late"."

"She's not that great."

Rimmer was surprised. "Why Listy, fallen out of love with the great Mace already? Are you so fickle?" Lister mumbled something about a secret about her that Rimmer didn't quite catch. He inquired further. "A secret? Oh God she's not a man is she? I knew Ace wore women's underwear but a sex change?"

"No you smeg, she's Arlene!" Lister clamped his hands onto his mouth. "Smeg," he said, slightly muffled.

Rimmer was confused. Well of course she was Arlene. She wasn't exactly going to be Andrea Rimmer. "What are you on about?"

"Sh... She's THE Arlene. The one we met when... y'know. Deb. Jim and Bexley." 

Rimmer's blood ran cold. Arlene... the whole time... the evil temptress who'd called him totty and insisted he was mad for her. That he wiggled his hips suggestively to lure her. He cackled and grabbed Lister's shoulders. "You know what this means? If that smeg-headed bint can be a hero then it should be a walk in the park for me!"

"Er... glad you're Ok with it."

**~~~**

Rimmer didn't bring up that he knew Mace's true identity. In fact, he preferred her to remain Mace in his eyes. And just prayed that she wouldn't try it on with him during the weeks between missions. He was still incredibly afraid of going off into space and fighting aliens and saving people. But if it meant showing Arlene up, it was worth it. The party lasted until the early hours of the morning. Arlene and Kryten weren't used to it and soon collapsed on the floor. The Cat turned up several times, wearing different outfits. He was disappointed to find that none of them impressed Mace and was about to try his birthday suit idea again, when he realised he was overdue for a nap. So Lister and Rimmer were left until 5am, drinking, dancing and crying over life's cruelties. "Y'know Lister, I've suddenly realised my biggest problem in life. I never had a sister. To make me look good. But now I have one."

"Boys are better than girls?" Lister asked, sucking an olive out of his Martini glass, which was filled with beer.

Rimmer nodded. "In my family, at any rate. If I'd had a sister, I'd have been baby Jesus compared to her. I could do no wrong. I'd lay down my sweet head and the cows and donkeys could say what they liked but my mum would still be a virgin and I'd be God." Rimmer started humming Christmas carols.

Lister shook his head, "Your family are so old-fashioned. They're still living in the Twentieth century. If Jim and Bexley had been girls, I'd have been made up. Jane and Becky. Suits me."

Rimmer fell off his chair and his eyes glazed over from the alcohol. He tried to remember the last point of the conversation. "Did Arlene mention Jim and Bexley?"

"Bexley's dead. Like the future echo you saw."

"Ah." Rimmer got back onto the chair next to Lister.

"Was his death really that bad? With the exploding and ripping apart and..." Lister trailed off and began to sob.

Rimmer bit his lip. Lying would not only be noble, but it was also his most natural speech response. "No I was only joking. It was fairly quick. Just an 'argh' and he was gone." Lister didn't answer. He'd fallen asleep on Rimmer's shoulder and was drooling beer onto his shirt. "Charming," Rimmer said sardonically. "I felt left out not having beer mixed with chewed up olives and Madras on my shirt." He gently moved Lister's head onto the table and decided to crawl into his bunk. He hated waking up in an awkward position after drinking and not being able to move his neck more than 12 degrees in either direction.

Just as he got up, a small pathetic voice whispered, "Don't go." He looked down at Lister. He had one eye open and gazing up at Rimmer. "I'll be all alone, man." Rimmer opened his mouth to reply but Lister was asleep again, his snores echoing all around the room. Don't go? Did Lister mean now or in general? Why? All they did was annoy each other.

"All alone..."

The last human.

**~~~**

Mace threw the rest of her things into the back of the ship ready for the departure. "Pass me my sunglasses, please Arnie." Rimmer picked them up from on top of the toolbox and handed them over. "We'll have to get you a pair too. I think you'd be best with a larger lens though. Suit you better."

"Yes, I agree." Rimmer stared at apparently nothing.

"You do? What's wrong?"

"I know who you are Arlene." 

Arlene nibbled on the earpiece of her sunglasses. "Did you find out before or after the Gelfs?" she said in her normal voice.

He frowned and said, "After but I don't see how-"

She cut him off with a 'huzzah!' of delight. "So you did become an Ace all by yourself!"

"I'm no Ace. Go ahead. Take away the hard light bee."

"Oh honestly, you think I'm still some kind of heartless cow? Keep it you sausage."

"Really?" he breathed a sigh of relief then patted her arm. "Listen Arlene, you be who you want. If being Mace works for you, do it. Honestly."

She looked at him sideways. "Did you hit your head during the fight?"

Rimmer laughed, "No, I've realised that heroics are fun if you survive but I think I'll leave all that dangerous stuff to you and Lister."

"Well it's not the best moral in the world. I prefer the 'be who you want' one better." He was about to answer when the others turned up to say goodbye.

"Bye Mace! Come back soon! Real soon!" The Cat said. Mace grinned and when Rimmer wasn't looking, gave the Cat a kiss on the forehead. "That's it? I used my best moves on you!"

"Maybe if you were a Prince and in peril I'd consider rescuing you for the obvious rewards."

"I'm not a Prince but look!" the Cat said and lay down in the doorway. "If these doors close, my perfect body will be split in two!"

"Oh good, Arnie and I can share you. Top or bottom Arn?"

The Cat leapt up and shuddered. "Ok, I get the message!"

Rimmer shook his head despondently at her. "When did you get a sense of humour," he asked.

"When did you get a sense of loyalty?" she retorted and nodded towards Lister. "You were going to stay with them even when you thought I'd take away the hard light drive? That's sweet."

"I'm staying because I'm a coward!"

"Yes," she said into his ear. "Afraid of leaving your friends." She stepped up into her ship and put her helmet on. "Smoke me a kipper fellas!"

"We know," they chorused. She made herself comfy in the pilot's seat before initiating take off.

"Hang on!" Lister said. "Rimmer, get in there!"

"Oh, I'm not going," he said cheerfully waving to Mace in the ship.

"But..."

"Listy, I'm sure one Rimmer is more than enough for the Universe."

"But..."

"And it's got nothing to do with what you said last night Lister, don't flatter yourself."

"BUT..."

"WHAT IS IT?" Rimmer yelled over the sound of Mace's ship blasting off into the vastness of space.

"All your stuff is still in the ship."

"...SMEG!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it! Anyone notice the plot clues such as Mace's ability to touch Rimmer in the second chapter? Surprised he didn't notice himself - probably busy shaking with rage :S


End file.
